Quatre

Our darling Ezra would be 4 months old.
 (Tomorrow).

Would be. 
It sounds awful to me.

Never in a million years did I think I would be  in this position,
grieving a child of mine.

How am I doing?

Well... I'm still here.
I'm still going.
Still getting used to my new "normal."

Time does help, a little.
But it doesn't take the emptiness or pain away.

I seriously think about Ezra EVERY SINGLE day.
(When Andres & I color/paint, I always write Andres' name first, followed by Ezra's).
Always.

His baby things and photos are all over our house.
I need them here. It's all I have left of him.

I have learned to not cry publicly so much any-more.
I have learned to not cry in front of Andres.
But once he's asleep or away, I let myself cry or get really emotional.
(I think I still need that too).

Andres consumes  all my time and energy.
(I think even more so now, since Ezra's passing).

I allow it, because it helps distract me.
It  allows me to be happy.
It  allows me to enjoy my time with my only living son (who I thank God for every single day).
Yes, Andres can make me go a little crazy and have a few panic attacks.
But he is my other love, my life, my reason to be.

I am currently consumed by Andres' 3rd birthday party.
It's fun and I love throwing parties and making events special for everyone.
(I think I have gone a little more over the top with things now, but
I can't help it).
I want & need to celebrate his 3rd year of life (and every year of life from here on out) to the fullest.

That's what a birthday is, right?
Celebrating LIFE.

All I can do for Ezra from here on out is send flowers to his grave site.
I won't be able to throw him a birthday party. Or see him hunting for eggs at Easter.
Or open any type of present for any holiday.
(How that hurts me and breaks my heart to even more pieces).

I miss my darling Ezra so much.
How I wish he were here with us.
What I would do to have him here.

So many people I know and people close to me are pregnant.
I'm happy for them, I really am!!

But, I think of Ezra even more.

Once upon a time, I was pregnant with a darling boy named Ezra for 10 months and 6 days.
(Yes, a long and pretty painful 10 months & 6 days).
Once upon a time... I was the happiest  I have ever been.
Maybe I didn't deserve complete & utter happiness, because one day...
my world turned upside down in the blink of an eye without any warning or sign.
Just like that, he was gone before I even got to say a real hello.