February is a reminder of love

Happy Belated Valentine's Day to all.

I got my very first Valentine's Day card from my sweet Andres. (He made it at school).

Front of card

It was a beautiful card that opened the doors to a flood of tears; I could not stop crying for awhile.

Inside of card

It was bitter-sweet, actually. I love both of my boys, but the card reminded me that I will never have these moments with Ezra. He will never  make me any holiday card and bring it home to me with excitement. Never.  We will never get to see Ezra's hand prints as he grows into a toddler, like we are with Andres.

That hurts. It all hurts.

It's been 2 months and a few days since our darling Ezra was born asleep.
How I miss him with every fiber of my body. I still think about him everyday.

Seeing his pictures do not always make me cry, now. They make me happy.

I am noticing I have a few more good days in between the bad days.

But with that, I'm also having these anxiety/panic attacks (which I've talked to my doctor about).

She reassured me it was considered normal for post traumatic stress situations, in combination with grieving and life.

This is very new to me. I don't know how to handle these episodes at times. I try my best to hide it, but don't always succeed.
I hate not being in control of my actions, feelings, and body, but since December 12, 2011, I have relinquished control and am slowly getting to know the new me.

The grieving me.
The medicated me.
The different me.

I decided to take some memorial pictures of Ezra's resting place because we are moving to California and we will not be able to visit him as often as we would like.
I wanted to do something special. (Unfortunately, his headstone is still not ready, hence not in the photos).

These pictures were taken on Sunday, February 12, 2012
2 months

Some people might think it is odd or creepy, maybe even like a Tim Burton movie. But I could careless.
These pictures are for me and my family. These pictures are the only family photos I have of us together. (If that makes sense).

I will cherish them forever.

Things are starting to get busier here at home in preparation for our move to California.
So please excuse my lack of bloging in advance.