Thoughts

I've been spending my days sitting on the sofa thinking and looking at photos.

Thinking and looking.

Our family photos, maternity photos, photos of Ezra, photos of Andres.
They look so much alike. Both of my boys are so handsome.
 I can't help but wonder how Ezra would look right now.
(Especially the color of his eyes).

I'm excited AND nervous about our up & coming move to California. I had a panic/anxiety attack of the sort, just at the neighborhood playground last week, I can only imagine what the stress of moving will do to me.

I know they say you're not supposed to make drastic changes or serious decisions while grieving, but I am ready for change. It's still going to be hard, but I think I'm ready.
(Think being the key word).

Lately some things have been bothering me... family & friends don't know how to behave, think, or talk in front of me. Some people think that NOT talking about Ezra, is best. They are "trying" not to hurt me by bringing him up. But the fact of the matter is, it hurts me even more that they avoid talking about him or bring his name up.
He is a real baby. Real person. HE IS REAL. My second son regardless of the time we spent together.
I don't care that my situation makes YOU uncomfortable or sad. I didn't ask for this, it happened. Yes, unfortunately, he died, but I am STILL in mourning and to respect me,  is to respect my deceased son, Ezra.

I have good days.  I have terrible days. I have days I cry. Days I don't cry at all.
But I am still grieving.

I'm trying my best to be strong. Strong for Andres. Strong for Oshin. Strong for ME.
Sometimes I succeed. Other times I fail.

Strength at the moment is remembering to take my medication to keep me going and NOT be blue all day.

Strength is still needing to take Ambien for uninterrupted sleep.

Strength is a pain in the ass. I don't always want to be strong.
Let me grieve in MY way.

My life is never going to be the same.

I'm not the same person.

I don't know how long it will take to find my new "normal."

I don't know if I'll ever have a rainbow baby.

I don't know.

I DO know I miss my darling Era, like I've never missed anyone before.

I DO appreciate life more than ever before.

I DO give thanks to God for everything I have.

But it's still not easy.
.