If only...

It has been a bumpy day.

Well, in actuality, it has been a bumpy past few days.

It just seems like I'm past the numb stage and now I feel everything.
And it hurts even more.

Seeing babies hurts me more, even seeing signs welcoming babies.
I'm referring to my next door neighbor's who just had a baby. And, although I still have not met them due to so many reasons, I just found out about her pregnancy and baby all at once. (We are terrible neighbors, I know).

While I have not read the sign myself, since I've only seen it from behind, I know what it means. (Plus it has been confirmed by another neighbor/friend).
There's a tall stork in their yard carrying a baby and little star next to it.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that a baby has been born and a child is now a sibling.

How it tears my heart even more and yet, that house calls my name.
I am so tempted to go over there, welcome them to the neighborhood (better late than never), and give them a gift for baby.
BUT I'M SCARED!!!
I don't think I can handle it.
I'm not strong enough to genuinely be happy for them on the outside, when I am mourning the loss of my baby, right?? How do I go over there and congratulate them, then tell them our sad news? How do I go over there and pretend to be happy, but never tell them our sad news? Or how do I just leave it alone and continue to be a bad neighbor?
I should just let that sign continue to haunt me. Or not.

(If only that damn house & sign did not call my name). 

I wish a sign was still in our yard welcoming our darling Ezra home & declaring Andres an older brother. Everything would be so much easier. Better.
It would make sense to go over there and welcome them.
It would be storybook perfect.

But it's not.

We do not have a baby sign in our yard, they do.
Andres is not an "older brother," their child is.
(Although spiritually he is, physically he is not).

He would have been a great older brother. He was ready for baby to come to home and doesn't really comprehend what has happened, but he knows something is wrong & very different.
To try to help explain things to him, we just ordered the book, We were going to have a baby, but we had an Angel instead from Amazon.

Andres does really well with books, so this might help us explain the situation a little better. I doubt I will be able to make it through the first few pages without some serious tears.

But... I have joined a Perinatal Loss Support Group at the Children's Hospital. They meet once a month and my first meeting happens to be this Tuesday. We will see how it goes.

Oshin goes back to work on Monday, so I only have a few more days of him being home 24/7. I feel like a child and seem to need him more than ever. (And I've been the strong independent woman, my entire life, if that says anything). But I no longer feel like that, even though people keep complimenting me on my strength.

And last but not least, I have yet to sit down and get Acknowledgement cards written and sent out. I never knew the etiquette of death or that there was one.
But there is, let me tell you.
The funeral home gave us a box of mementos,  including the Acknowledgement cards with a pamphlet explaining the etiquette.

I will get to them. I hope people understand.