Affect

Andres went back to school today. He was a little sad getting on the bus, but did not cry.

The bus driver & aid asked me excitedly about Ezra and to see pictures of him, when I broke down and cried.

I told them I had an angel baby. They did not understand. Then I told him he was stillborn; they were shocked,  gave me their condolences, and asked if I was ok.

I'm okay today. Just okay.

I know life from here on out is going to be a mixture of good days, great days, bad days, okay days, miserable days, blah days, etc.

It's going to affect me every time I am asked by people who don't know Ezra's story. Just like it affects me going into his room, like last night. (Some days it affects me more).

But last night, I went into my darling Ezra's room to clean up and organize his things. We've had a lot of family staying here, so it was time to do it.

I finally took out all his clothes & blankets from the hospital (the ones nilmdts put on him for photos) and put them gently into a box to store. They all made me cry. I smelled every thing. Caressed them, knowing full well my darling angel had them on him.

The purple memory box the hospital gave to us made Oshin sad. But I'm not ready to open that box again, just yet.

Andres saw me sitting on the floor of Ezra's room crying and got really sad. He got on his knees next to me and said, "You ok Mama?" My heart melted. That's why I try my best not to cry in front of him. But it warmed my heart that my little boy, 2 1/2 years old and all, knows how to be compassionate. He has a great heart. We're so proud of him.

Things are going to continue to affect me. I know.  I just have to do my best get through them.