Grief

Grief is sneaky.

Grief is powerful. 

Grief is unique for each person.  

I'm experiencing different forms of grief on a daily basis.
And at times I don't even notice its form.

Because, just when I think I feel somewhat "normal," I realize I'm not.  

Just because I'm not crying on the outside, doesn't mean my heart isn't crying.
It doesn't mean I'm not grieving. 

I've only left my house ONCE in the past 8 days. 

ONCE. 

Part of it is due to me not having a car (since Oshin sold it in order to purchase me a new car later on).

But the real reason is because I just don't feel like leaving. 

Last Thursday I left the house only to go to the cemetery to visit Ezra and quickly eat dinner.
(Had we not went to the cemetery, I would not have gone out to eat). 

This is part of my grieving process and depression.
I suppose...

Yesterday, I came across a new blog about an amazing little boy named Tripp and his incredible mother, Courtney.  

Tripp is about one month younger than Andres and died Saturday, January 14, 2012.
This strong little boy was fighting a horrible disorder/disease since the day he was born called Epidermolysis Bullosa, which is a very RARE genetic skin disorder that causes blisters on the skin or mucous membranes with any type of friction. This disease is extremely painful and although there are several types of this disorder it is usually always fatal, depending on the severity. 

Reading this story broke my already broken heart some more.
I was shaking. Crying. At lost for words.
I quickly went upstairs to get Oshin. Together we continued to read this blog and cry some more. 

My heart feels for Tripp & Courtney  in so many ways.
Words can't even begin to describe what I'm truly feeling.
(I have sent her our condolences). 

You see, not very many people know that Ezra was born with a few blisters on his beautiful skin. 

The nurse & midwife who helped deliver him told us that sometimes babies get blisters on their skin because they have passed.
Oshin wasn't convinced. 

A pediatric dermatologist came into our birthing room later that day (after Ezra was born) to look at Ezra's skin and take biopsies. 

He was fairly sure it due to a rare genetic disorder, but didn't want to say for sure until the tests & autopsy results came back. 

We let it go. 

A few weeks ago, Oshin ran into the same dermatologist and he once again told Oshin his findings behind Ezra's death and gave it a name Herlitz Junctional Epidermolysis Bullosa.  

Oshin wanted  more proof and he actually saw Ezra's skin under a microscope and was shown a textbook example of this condition and it could not have been any more alike. 

Oshin is pretty sure it is EB, as well, but we still want 100% proof.  

(The full autopsy report/results are still pending, but this information has been gathered from tests & biopsies). 

Hearing this and getting one step closer to the answers of Ezra's death hurt me even more. 

Why? I can't fully explain.
It just did. 

Then I read Tripp's story and was overwhelmed with emotions. 

We had never ever heard of this condition before Ezra. 

NEVER!! 

Then out of the blue we hear about Tripp.

It tore our hearts to see his suffering & pain, but he was such a fighter.
So strong. 

It made us smile to see him dancing and laughing.

I have nothing but admiration for Tripp & Courtney.  

But I can't help feeling a little relieved that Ezra didn't suffer long. (May God forgive me). 

I am unsure if my darling boy was fighting this disorder in the womb or if he was in pain. 

I sure hope not. But if it is EB more than likely he did.
(Since we do know Ezra was in distress and had a bowl movement). 

No mother wants to see their child in pain.  

But they do everything they can to help ease that pain and above all else,
love them with all their heart & soul. 

I would give anything to have Ezra in my arms. 

I would.
I would not want him enduring excruciating pain or suffering, but I would do everything in my power to help him and love him, just as Tripp's mother.

(Maybe that's why God took Ezra when he did).
Who knows. 

I still question God on a daily basis. (I can't help it).  

I still cry. I still can't sleep. I still have no energy for life. 

I still grieve Ezra's death, but I am slowly trying to find peace to ease my pain. 

I am sorry for all your pain & suffering Tripp.
I'm so sorry. 

But I thank you & your mother for being an inspiration and showing us true strength & valour.
And the meaning of love.

Thank you.

Please give Ezra a kiss for me.