Brother

Andres has been asking about his brother.

Last week, it was him pointing at a picture of sweet Ezra and saying, "brother."

He's only seen Ezra once.

The day of his viewing.
In his tiny white coffin.
With his eyes closed.
"Sleeping in Heavenly Peace."

Once.

Last night before bed, he said, "brother mimis." (Mimis means sleep).

Today, he said, "brother," lifted up his shirt, and pointed to his belly.
(He stopped lifting my shirt and pointing to MY "pregnant belly," after he saw me break down in tears).
I must have traumatized my dear boy.

Since I was in a fairly composed mood I decided to dig a little deeper and asked Andres,
"Well, where is brother?"
He said, "brother sleeping."
I said, "Yes, brother IS sleeping. He's sleeping in heaven, since he can't live with us."

I did not cry.
I had to quickly go to the kitchen and have a drink of water to calm myself down.
But I did not cry.

I gave him a snack to change the mood.
Sit on the sofa for a second, when I quickly run to the bathroom to cry.
(I don't want to cry in front of him. I can't!! It hurts him too much).

I call Oshin crying and tell him what happened.

After that, my afternoon didn't go so well.

I went from having a fairly good day, to having a not so good day in a matter of minutes.

It's not his fault...

But today, I got angry.
Really angry.
Again, not at Andres, but at this entire situation.

I got angry with God.
Angry at life being so complicated.
So unfair.

I got angry & upset that I had to have this conversation with my 'almost 3 year old' about his little brother who is not alive and not at home with us like we were anticipating.

I had to tell my 'almost 3 year old' that life is complicated and not always happy happy joy joy (in a matter of speaking).
What a harsh lesson to have to learn at such a young age. Even if he still doesn't completely understand.
It's still harsh.

It's not fair.

Life is just not fair.

I'm angry that bad things have to happen to good people.
I'm angry because just when I think I am finding some peace regarding Ezra's life,
I get knocked back down with another blow to the heart.

Again, not because Andres asked me about his brother.
No.
Not at all!!
But because I HAD to HAVE this conversation to begin with.

I'm angry because of the situation God put us in by taking Ezra away from us.

I'm just angry today.

God help me.
Please!!