1 month

It has been one month since we said Hello & Goodbye to our darling boy, Ezra.

One month.

He would  be 1 month old today.

One month.

I can't believe a month has gone by, because it feels as if it were just yesterday.

But not a moment goes by when I'm not thinking about my precious baby.

My mind is constantly thinking about him, of him, replaying the events of the past month.

The moment I walked into L & D. The moment the Dr told us he no longer had a heartbeat. The moment he entered this world and I held him in my arms.
(How I was hoping the doctors were wrong and just waiting for him to open his eyes or cry).

All of it. Everything. Is constantly replaying in my mind.

Sometimes, I wish I could turn my brain on & off like a switch.

But I can't.

I'm slowly getting back to life and finding MY new "normal."

Oshin & I went to our first Perinatal Loss Support group on Tuesday. It was gut wrenching, but very therapeutic for both of us.

And, just yesterday Andres saw a photo of Ezra and said, "brother." (We really do underestimate his intelligence at times).
I was talking to his teacher and it might be good idea to get him a pediatric grief counselor.

I am constantly worried about Andres. I worry about his health & safety even more now. I worry about not traumatizing him. He's so young.
(I never knew about death until my 30th year of life and here he's only 2).

I thank God everyday for blessing us with Andres, but still question him as to why he didn't allow us to keep Ezra longer. And yet I pray that he doesn't take Andres from us too.
It terrifies me!!

All of this and more is constantly running in my mind. No wonder I can't sleep.
If only I wasn't so analytical.  Logical. If only I could just accept things and let it go, right??

But I'm not.

So I can't.

I will never be the same. Ezra's life & death has changed me.
Forever.