Robbed

Today has been an emotional day for me.

I sat in the parking lot of Big Lots, while Andres napped & Oshin was at the post office, and I could not stop crying.

I'm trying so hard not to be angry or question God, but today I could not help it.

Every day I ask my baby Ezra for forgiveness. I hope he knows I was never complaining about HIM, but complaining about my body throughout the pregnancy.

I hope he knows I love him so very much. I loved him inside my belly and I continue to love him with everything I have.

Everyone kept telling me to "hang in there" doctors, family, and friends. That in the end it would all be worth it. That as soon as my baby boy was born I would forget about everything.

Well... I feel like I was kind of robbed from my happy ending.
My baby boy was not born living & breathing like we were expecting.

I could not nurse him or feel the warmth of his body against mine.
I could not see the color of his eyes or feel his little hand wrap around my finger.
I could not even bring him home.

I just feel robbed.

I keep asking God if I'm being punished. I keep questioning him.
I just don't understand.

I believe in God. That God is good. And that HE does things for a reason,
but right now I just don't get it.

Why?
Why me?
Why us?
Why MY baby boy and not the crack heads' baby??
Why MY baby boy and not the mother who's going to neglect or abandon her baby?
Why MY baby??

I just don't understand.

Today, I just don't get it.